so close

I never knew what it felt like until you.
until you jumped in front of my path
why does we want sometimes seem so cruel

new level of consciousness
a deeper feeling of pain
new awareness of the world
saying things i never thought i'd say

i see now life isn't black and white
but there are infinite shades of grey

why the connection

glimpse

I've had a glimpse into what fututre could be, and it makes me want more. I want something that's both real, and so electrically charged at the same time.  I want to feel safe in my man's arms and  I want him to randomly hold me in public and cuddle with me at night. I want someone that makes me see fireworks in October. I want to build to love again someday. I want that warmth in my heart again.

i only want to ride roller coasters at theme parks, not in my heart

i have been perpetually disappointed by the men in my life and it makes me wonder what it is in me that is attracted to the unattainable. The roller coaster of emotionally wrenching guys.  but I'm tired of it.  i want men in my life, friends, interests, everyone, who are dependable. who are the same every day and not constantly changing. who are strong, and thoughtful and kind, and who realize that being all of these things doesn't mean they have to be misogynistic, but rather open minded and forward thinking. Not necessarily looking for something super serious right now, just took my heart out something too serious, and it will take a minute to be ready for deep again.  I'm just over feeling anxious.  i don't want to be wrapped up in the wait, or the chase, or any of those pointless games. i just want to live my life and have people around me that i can depend on, always. no longer interested in the unattainable.  i want more.

goodbye my heart

today i realized that i am no longer being held captive by my heart. by my love.  Today i feel free. and light, and not attached anymore. i am free. it was a little sad to realize its gone, he's gone. i dont feel him around anymore. but im so relieved....i can breathe again.

concerned for humanity

Normally i try to keep the ranting on here to a minimum, but oh my today it's just TOO much!!!

in the last few days i have seen more close-mindedness, self superiority, and flat out bitchy-ness than I've seen in a long time!!!

let start with a status on the lovely facebook (for some reasons today i took the controversial status bait. i never usually participate in silly wars, but i just could not sit this one out. )  that including something like this "females-if you wanna be treated like a slut, dress like one."  now i have a problem with this generality.  first off, the word "slut" is so overused, i mean there is no equivalent to men that is equally as offensive or labels them sexually and ethically like the word slut does.  secondly, i don't care if a woman is wearing the shortest shorts in the world, that should not define who she is. (side note; I know a few very sexually open women who would look "temple worthy" or whatever at first glance; appearances are not what they seem) 

and as far as a woman who does enjoy sex, she MUST be a whore right?? a man can be the biggest "man slut" in town and he is revered, praised even, for his conquests.  but a women who enjoys sex? labeled. dirty, low self esteem, probably has a bad relationship with her father, geeze she probably has an std.  can't possibly be that she knows what she wants and is strong and also enjoys it? nope.

 MANY people went on the say such archaic things like the first, that at one point i swear steam was coming out of my ears. like; "women should be classy and know their place, cooking, cleaning, being faithful (not sure what that means) and OF COURSE being sexy."  so let me get this straight. you can't be a classy together woman unless you do all the dishes, laundry, and feed your big strong man right??  and go ahead and be a lady on the streets then morph into a freak in the sheets.  Gee, i guess rappers had it right the whole time eh?  just go ahead and bend over to the front and touch your toes. but NOT because you want to, or you enjoy it but because your HUSBAND wants you to.(creepiest part is that was written by a woman.) 

another seemingly more intelligent woman (the first could not spell for anything and had horrible grammar.) said that "a women's place is behind a man, to support him." F THAT NOISE. seriously? people still think like this?? and Americans thinks we're so advanced in our men/women relations? false. people have the same outdated misogynistic views that they did in the 50's.

i grew up thinking that a good wife was constantly playing games to pique interest. always had dinner on the table, and should to keep her man satisfied and all that jazz. that is not the kind of relationship i want. i do believe that men and women are equals, maybe that means I'm a weirdo, hippie, feminist; but i think we all deserve the same respect, crazy right. Thank God I'm not from the olden days, I'd probably be taught a lesson with a cane of some sort.

i think its so funny that people live in these alternate realities, where they are the end all be all, and of course the most righteous people on the planet. and anyone who doesn't live like them needs their help! those sinners won't be in heaven otherwise. ugh!! how arrogant! people have all kinds of beliefs, and who's to say that anyone of us is right? we could all die tomorrow and not have the truth ANYWHERE on this planet.  and yet we continue to judge, categorize and excommunicate those who think differently. or feel differently. Heaven help them if they're gay. at least they can't ruin the sanctity of that game we call marriage right?  the naivety of it all just really grinds my gears! 

PS: dear all you caddy ladies out there, we know what you're doing, you're not the first one to play these oh so clever games. pretty sure i saw all of them on mean girls; and they were better at it.  have fun up there on your ivory tower. must be lonely at the top of your own mind.

k, I'm off my soap box now. hopefully there are people out there who agree with me to some point? otherwise I'm moving to Canada. haha

with friends like those

It's taken me a long time to learn not to whole heartily trust people right off the bat. boys were easy to figure out, but not letting friends all the way into my heart, that has been one of my hardest lessons.

its funny how when you get off the fence you're suddenly fenced out. its ironic that people who say they are the biggest followers of Christ can make someone feel so outcast-ed. i never thought i'd feel on the outside form the friends i imagined i would have forever.

and because i have trusted so fully these are the poeple it's hardest for my forgive. i have a feeling it will take a while. but i do know i don't need that in my life. i have enough amazing people that i don't need the fair-weather ones.

so much for that star

mad men season 4 episode 13

i never realized why i love slash hated don draper in mad men so much until this last episode i just watched.

he is almost every man i know;

so loving, easily distracted by pretty things, he has a pained past, he is deep, depressed,  and desperately wants to be more, but seems to be stuck in his cycle. and has this charm, that makes everything seem that it'll be OK, even when it won't.

its funny how in this episode (which i have been watchin for years and finally finished today, ironic when mixed with other events that happened, irony seems to be my other middle name)  i was so happy for the fictional, but-all-to-real character. until he called the girl he was dating to tell her he just got engaged. little too close to home for this lady.

maybe that's how it is. maybe no one ever really changes. not really. not whats underneath, and inside them.

i wonder what I'd be like if i never experienced that. probably very naive. maybe happy but a little unfulfilled. i wouldn't be as jaded as i am. or as cynical. or scared of everything, cause it all hurts too much.

i wonder what this new epihinany means for what "I've always believed in. cause you don't know where you'll be"...  i guess everything is perspective. and I'm probably the antagonist in other people's mind...

damn i wonder a lot.

classics

we grow up thinking love stories have to be tragic.
one person ends up alone, or unrequited love is so romantic.
they lived a normal standard life where love had peaks and dips doesn't sell as many copies i suppose.

then there are the incredible men of America's past.

John Kennedy
well the whole Kennedy family
Martin Luther King
pretty much every president
religious leaders

they all had affairs. countless affairs. and all their wives stayed. because its what was expected.

then there is the religious guilt. GOD forbid you're in a love-less marriage. if you have kids you stay. anything else is selfish. and not sanctioned by the big guy.  big guy. women are the downfall of society right? the curse of eve and all that. even if you are showing your kids that love is not the most important. at least your showing them eternal commitment! forever and ever.

then there is the Love we experience. the kind that stops your heart and brings moisture to your eyes when your remember. it seems to be that everyone has that particular memory. that one that got away.

why is it that we don't tend to end up with the ones that shake our entire world?  maybe you're not supposed to be with your greatest love. maybe its too much. too much passion. too much hate. too much love. too much longing. maybe one is supposed to be just content...not titillated on the edge of one's seat for life.

maybe it doesn't have to be "I'll never let go"  or tragic dual suicides. maybe we can just be. and see what happens.

this is now

Im done with thinking that my life's love story has to end in pain, or with a half version of myself.  This is the part of me that no one is ever gonna ever take away from me...

now look at me im sparkling.

no means what??

Recently I've realized a lot of men in the world think that a girl saying no to sexual things means anything other than no. 

Like...

NO but maybe...
NO until i change my mind...
NO but secretly I'm teasing you until you make me decide yes??

NO MEANS (yup you guessed it) NO!

Statistics show that two thirds of teens in one survey said it was okay for a boy to force sex on a girl if they’d been dating for more than six months. A large number said it was okay if the boy/man had spent a lot of money on her. One in three said it was okay if the girl had been sexually active before.

that scares me.

ATTENTION ALL MEN AND BOYS READING THIS: If a woman says no, in any shape or form it means no.  do not push boundaries, even a little bit, its still pushing.  date rape is a commonly mis-diagnosed thing; and in the USA, if the word no is spoken at all, and sex is forced, that is considered rape in a court of law.

ATTENTION ALL GIRLS AND WOMEN READING THIS:  Please don't use "no" as a teasing method.  Don't say no and really mean yes.  and if you really don't want to do anything don't feel like you have to because either you don't want to hurt feelings, or make anything awkward, or because you think you're supposed to have sex at certain times.  If you're ever in this situation, ladies educate these men!  Tell them when they make you feel uncomfortable or pushed.  A lot of boys/men justify this behavior, tell them its not OK and stand up for yourself!

Thanks to God

I need to take a moment and give thanks for the miracles that have happened in my familiy as of late..

it has been muddled with all kinds of stupid family drama. and sometimes its frustrating to hear all the immaturity even in adults who are supposed to be more responsible...but the good is still there. so here it is.

my brother brady was hit by a car going full speed, and survived. he's in icu but he has brain activity and is going to be okay.  that is amazing. not only because people could die from this and do all the time, ut because Brady has had so many last chances. because for so long i've been dreading that phone call. and the Lord has saved him so many times, and i am forever grateful.

my sister had her baby! Briggs Carter Eaten is the best little boy i have ever ever seen.  he has this little crooked smile like ashlee, and ryan's nose.  seeing him makes the whole world seem better, and i am so thankful to be a part of his life.

im exhausted, but so so thankful.

i guess this is the rainbow?  now im ready for the rest of the good. :)

barefoot

my arms swing freely

open air is all around.

i feel the sunshine inside my bones

and the moment is perfect.

only one thing would make it better...

if i knew you were waiting for me at home

Big city

my nose posted to the airplane window on the way down...i was amazed at the sky line.


three planes, two trains and helpful strangers

i wore my skirt and heels, not anticipating the hike from airport to subway with my suitcase that could fit a small person in it... but i did feel good.

the cab ride was something ill never forget. my phone was dying, i still had the next airport to navigate through, and two trains, and i saw my short life flash before my eyes!  the cabi stopped when he should've gone and gone when the laws of physics said to stop.

on the final train to Trenton i borrowed a strangers phone to text my person meeting me. he rides the train everyday for work into the city. so glamorous

the phone man was flirting with me, but i was so nervous and excited that i didn't blink twice.

when i got off the train, the station was full of touring Asian teens.

i got off a found a bench, and proceed to be enveloped by my nerves. i checked my face and redid my hair.

once i was all ready and fluffed i had nothing to do but stare at my hands and watch every car that pulled up wondering if it was him.

i didn't hear him walk up.  suddenly my eyes were caught and he was right in front of me.

and i was there. even my fingers smiled

my corner window

the moon follows me. everywhere i go, it's the center of attention.

sitting in my most common spot in my home,

it stares back at me with quite defiance.

the moon dares me to not believe in the magic.

in something magic.

tonights sky would fit in a summer night on the lake... 

tonights sky gives me back a piece of the past, and a glimpse to my future.

the moon, it follows me.

and i am thankful for that.

a thousand years

i knew you in another life.... i can feel it when you look in my eyes..

for many lives we've done this. this dance.

shown up for what the other needs to learn.

no one on earth has helped me grow as much as you

and if it wasn't for the gravity defining pull we have, i wouldn't love you this much.

all the hurt, all the hiding, none of it matters. because you are my angel. and i am yours.


this i know. and feel with everything inside me.

"i have died everyday waiting for you, darling don't be afraid, i have loved you for a thousand years. I'll love you for a thousand more. All along I believed I would find you, time has brought your heart to me and i have loved you for a thousand years, ill love you for a thousand more."

<3

Thankful?

no longer do i get that little flutter of excitement when i think of him.

its been replaced with disgust and the thought "get out of my state you bastard".

maybe this is progress?

I think im a masochist, that has possibly gone numb from the eyes down.

but, hell- at least im not paralyzed with pain anymore.

so im thankful.

depressed by my disenchantment of romance and the world, but thankful

shield

I miss you everyday. mostly everynight...right as i lay down to sleep, my heart auto pilots straight to you.

i wish some how i could replace my missing you with some form of hate. or even dislike.

that would make more sense, given all we've been through...

and yet the beauty in all this pain is that i will never be hurt like this again.

its sad really to think that no one, will ever capture my heart the same way you have....its not a possiblity.  and i suppose thats comforting also...in a off circumstantial way.

ive realized that everyone i've always imagined as  "hard core" or "bad ass"


 have really just been hurt bad before..

and now they are amune to it. this sick all consuming, destroying, beautifully capitvating, most wonderful love....

maybe there comes a point when we all pick up our shield...

pro voluptuousness

I am really disturbed by all the pro anorexia blogs i've been seeing lately. i hope that all these beautiful women can see how amazing they are, exactly as they are. naturally! so here are some facts about true beauty from my perspective...

-women are built with curves for a reason...
we are the only human kind that care bare children, give life.

-before the 1920s dresses weren't mass produced, so women didn't feel the need to "fit into" a certain designated ideal. 

-every person and woman has a different face...so why would we all have the same body type?

-marilyn monroe, a sex symbol of the ages, was a size 14 in today's sizes. a FOURTEEN.

-and ultimately, beauty comes from within. and is not measured by society's current standard, the media, or others opinions. confidence is the sexiest attribute...and self love is the most glowing one. <3

strength

too strong...

i'm not a push over easy girl... i wont settle.

especially when i know you are capable of so much more.

i push. i expect the best. for you and me, and i have faith in it. solid faith.

and thats what scares you.

im too strong right now... and im proud of it

filling the void

i think that everyone who has lived in this world has a natural hole inside...

something we feel we need to fill..... whether is be with belief, or love, or things

a crazy thought just came into focus for me...maybe we are meant to have a hole

maybe, part of the human experience is learning to be okay with ourselves, holey and all. <3