so close

I never knew what it felt like until you.
until you jumped in front of my path
why does we want sometimes seem so cruel

new level of consciousness
a deeper feeling of pain
new awareness of the world
saying things i never thought i'd say

i see now life isn't black and white
but there are infinite shades of grey

why the connection

glimpse

I've had a glimpse into what fututre could be, and it makes me want more. I want something that's both real, and so electrically charged at the same time.  I want to feel safe in my man's arms and  I want him to randomly hold me in public and cuddle with me at night. I want someone that makes me see fireworks in October. I want to build to love again someday. I want that warmth in my heart again.

i only want to ride roller coasters at theme parks, not in my heart

i have been perpetually disappointed by the men in my life and it makes me wonder what it is in me that is attracted to the unattainable. The roller coaster of emotionally wrenching guys.  but I'm tired of it.  i want men in my life, friends, interests, everyone, who are dependable. who are the same every day and not constantly changing. who are strong, and thoughtful and kind, and who realize that being all of these things doesn't mean they have to be misogynistic, but rather open minded and forward thinking. Not necessarily looking for something super serious right now, just took my heart out something too serious, and it will take a minute to be ready for deep again.  I'm just over feeling anxious.  i don't want to be wrapped up in the wait, or the chase, or any of those pointless games. i just want to live my life and have people around me that i can depend on, always. no longer interested in the unattainable.  i want more.

goodbye my heart

today i realized that i am no longer being held captive by my heart. by my love.  Today i feel free. and light, and not attached anymore. i am free. it was a little sad to realize its gone, he's gone. i dont feel him around anymore. but im so relieved....i can breathe again.

concerned for humanity

Normally i try to keep the ranting on here to a minimum, but oh my today it's just TOO much!!!

in the last few days i have seen more close-mindedness, self superiority, and flat out bitchy-ness than I've seen in a long time!!!

let start with a status on the lovely facebook (for some reasons today i took the controversial status bait. i never usually participate in silly wars, but i just could not sit this one out. )  that including something like this "females-if you wanna be treated like a slut, dress like one."  now i have a problem with this generality.  first off, the word "slut" is so overused, i mean there is no equivalent to men that is equally as offensive or labels them sexually and ethically like the word slut does.  secondly, i don't care if a woman is wearing the shortest shorts in the world, that should not define who she is. (side note; I know a few very sexually open women who would look "temple worthy" or whatever at first glance; appearances are not what they seem) 

and as far as a woman who does enjoy sex, she MUST be a whore right?? a man can be the biggest "man slut" in town and he is revered, praised even, for his conquests.  but a women who enjoys sex? labeled. dirty, low self esteem, probably has a bad relationship with her father, geeze she probably has an std.  can't possibly be that she knows what she wants and is strong and also enjoys it? nope.

 MANY people went on the say such archaic things like the first, that at one point i swear steam was coming out of my ears. like; "women should be classy and know their place, cooking, cleaning, being faithful (not sure what that means) and OF COURSE being sexy."  so let me get this straight. you can't be a classy together woman unless you do all the dishes, laundry, and feed your big strong man right??  and go ahead and be a lady on the streets then morph into a freak in the sheets.  Gee, i guess rappers had it right the whole time eh?  just go ahead and bend over to the front and touch your toes. but NOT because you want to, or you enjoy it but because your HUSBAND wants you to.(creepiest part is that was written by a woman.) 

another seemingly more intelligent woman (the first could not spell for anything and had horrible grammar.) said that "a women's place is behind a man, to support him." F THAT NOISE. seriously? people still think like this?? and Americans thinks we're so advanced in our men/women relations? false. people have the same outdated misogynistic views that they did in the 50's.

i grew up thinking that a good wife was constantly playing games to pique interest. always had dinner on the table, and should to keep her man satisfied and all that jazz. that is not the kind of relationship i want. i do believe that men and women are equals, maybe that means I'm a weirdo, hippie, feminist; but i think we all deserve the same respect, crazy right. Thank God I'm not from the olden days, I'd probably be taught a lesson with a cane of some sort.

i think its so funny that people live in these alternate realities, where they are the end all be all, and of course the most righteous people on the planet. and anyone who doesn't live like them needs their help! those sinners won't be in heaven otherwise. ugh!! how arrogant! people have all kinds of beliefs, and who's to say that anyone of us is right? we could all die tomorrow and not have the truth ANYWHERE on this planet.  and yet we continue to judge, categorize and excommunicate those who think differently. or feel differently. Heaven help them if they're gay. at least they can't ruin the sanctity of that game we call marriage right?  the naivety of it all just really grinds my gears! 

PS: dear all you caddy ladies out there, we know what you're doing, you're not the first one to play these oh so clever games. pretty sure i saw all of them on mean girls; and they were better at it.  have fun up there on your ivory tower. must be lonely at the top of your own mind.

k, I'm off my soap box now. hopefully there are people out there who agree with me to some point? otherwise I'm moving to Canada. haha

with friends like those

It's taken me a long time to learn not to whole heartily trust people right off the bat. boys were easy to figure out, but not letting friends all the way into my heart, that has been one of my hardest lessons.

its funny how when you get off the fence you're suddenly fenced out. its ironic that people who say they are the biggest followers of Christ can make someone feel so outcast-ed. i never thought i'd feel on the outside form the friends i imagined i would have forever.

and because i have trusted so fully these are the poeple it's hardest for my forgive. i have a feeling it will take a while. but i do know i don't need that in my life. i have enough amazing people that i don't need the fair-weather ones.

so much for that star

mad men season 4 episode 13

i never realized why i love slash hated don draper in mad men so much until this last episode i just watched.

he is almost every man i know;

so loving, easily distracted by pretty things, he has a pained past, he is deep, depressed,  and desperately wants to be more, but seems to be stuck in his cycle. and has this charm, that makes everything seem that it'll be OK, even when it won't.

its funny how in this episode (which i have been watchin for years and finally finished today, ironic when mixed with other events that happened, irony seems to be my other middle name)  i was so happy for the fictional, but-all-to-real character. until he called the girl he was dating to tell her he just got engaged. little too close to home for this lady.

maybe that's how it is. maybe no one ever really changes. not really. not whats underneath, and inside them.

i wonder what I'd be like if i never experienced that. probably very naive. maybe happy but a little unfulfilled. i wouldn't be as jaded as i am. or as cynical. or scared of everything, cause it all hurts too much.

i wonder what this new epihinany means for what "I've always believed in. cause you don't know where you'll be"...  i guess everything is perspective. and I'm probably the antagonist in other people's mind...

damn i wonder a lot.