playing pretend

seems like playing pretend when you're a little kid is the funnest possible venture....
now that i see adult versions of this, i'm not so sure....

"i close my eyes i look away
that’s just because i’m not okay.
but i hold on, i stay strong,
wondering if we still belong-
how long do i fantasize,
make believe that it’s still alive
imagine that i am good enough
and we can choose the ones we love....
every move we make,
seems like no one’s letting go,
and it’s such a shame,

cause if you feel the same,
how am i supposed to know?

will we ever say the words we’re feeling?
reach down underneath, and tear down all the walls
will we ever have a happy ending?
or will we forever only be pretending?"

how time flies

it seems like only yesterday you were saying all those things,

things i still believe you meant, but now where are you?

not in my life currently thats for sure

one of my best frineds and im not even invited.

guess that's telling...

but heaven help me i cant forget all those words. and moments. and the damn moon.

why does it have to be so big and bright right now?

faith is an interesting thing

smile, look pretty, be strong

my friend said it best about heart break...

"its as if you have a gaping fatal wound in my chest, but no one can see it.

you hold it together with your hands, they are covered in blood.... but you're expected to go out into the your day bleeding.  nothing to hold you together. no stitches or even band aids.

people walk by and smile, maybe even stop and ask how you are..... some people even try to help, but you know no one else can.

but hey you gotta keep living while you bleed!  smile! look pretty!  eat breakfast!  pay your bills! It's all so important!"


but, no, you know what, I'm done bleeding.  ill stitch my own heart up if i have to.

i took all of the memories down off my walls.  maybe that'll help the persisting dreams..... 

I am a strong woman. I will be fine. After all-

I'm still fearless <3

running through it

the half marathon i've signed up for is in october, the training is about to get way more intense.
now i just need a reliable ipod, better shoes, and open spaces.

if only i could out run my head, or my heart

moth

Everywhere.
I see signs everywhere. like slap in the face my stomach drops everytime.
maybe one day why i see all this will make sense..the dreams, the reminders, you.
because right now it sure confuses me, seeing the path that you're on...that im on.

some deep core part of me still believes. maybe im wrong...its been known to happen (once in third grade i think)
but this feeling is so true in my heart that i can't deny it.
it doesn't make it any easier to forget you when i see you everywhere.

i miss you, friend

I miss our friendship. i miss your loud fun loving personality.  I want to reach out, and then I'm reminded of everything.  and i don't know if i can let you in again...i can't be close to people who i don't trust anymore.  it makes me so sad because i do love you.  you are amazing in so many ways. 

it'd be funny if it wasn't so sad. not funny haha but ironic.  all it would take for me to forget (I've already forgiven. the moment everything happened) is an apology.  but you wont even admit you did anything wrong.  i want to let you back in, even a little bit at first, until i trust you again...

it is my pride.  my pride in my own heart for myself.  i am too protective of my heart now to be hurt like that again by friends.  dear friends.  but i still love you. so much. and miss you. and hope

if you only had the nerve..

Weep for yourself, my man,
You'll never be what is in your heart
Weep Little Lion Man,
You're not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rake yourself,
Take all the courage you have left
Wasted on fixing all the problems
That you made in your own head

Tremble for yourself, my man,
You know that you have seen this all before
Tremble Little Lion Man,
You'll never settle any of your scores
Your grace is wasted in your face,
Your boldness stands alone among the wreck
Now learn from your mother or else spend your days,
Biting your own neck

But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn't I, my dear?
Didn't I, my dear?

-Little Lion Man- Mumford and sons

saxaphone

Sitting in my beautiful backyard admiring all the green and time of it all,
and i hear a neighbor practiing the saxaphone, as if im in a i bedroom apt in nyc like carrie.
and then i hear another one call for her daughter maggie in the way only a mom can.
I get nature, new york, and family.
what a great place i live in

my journey

I am so thankful for everything I have learned recently...

"If you're brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you. "

Thank you to all my teachers, everyone from my past who has taught me valuable lessons.  You are my greatest source of knowledge and enlightenment.  Thank you for bringing me these gifts, and the chance to experience myself as Who I Am.  God has sent me nothing but angels. 

I see the light in you, and I'm thankful for the reminder of my own.