barefoot

my arms swing freely

open air is all around.

i feel the sunshine inside my bones

and the moment is perfect.

only one thing would make it better...

if i knew you were waiting for me at home

Big city

my nose posted to the airplane window on the way down...i was amazed at the sky line.


three planes, two trains and helpful strangers

i wore my skirt and heels, not anticipating the hike from airport to subway with my suitcase that could fit a small person in it... but i did feel good.

the cab ride was something ill never forget. my phone was dying, i still had the next airport to navigate through, and two trains, and i saw my short life flash before my eyes!  the cabi stopped when he should've gone and gone when the laws of physics said to stop.

on the final train to Trenton i borrowed a strangers phone to text my person meeting me. he rides the train everyday for work into the city. so glamorous

the phone man was flirting with me, but i was so nervous and excited that i didn't blink twice.

when i got off the train, the station was full of touring Asian teens.

i got off a found a bench, and proceed to be enveloped by my nerves. i checked my face and redid my hair.

once i was all ready and fluffed i had nothing to do but stare at my hands and watch every car that pulled up wondering if it was him.

i didn't hear him walk up.  suddenly my eyes were caught and he was right in front of me.

and i was there. even my fingers smiled

my corner window

the moon follows me. everywhere i go, it's the center of attention.

sitting in my most common spot in my home,

it stares back at me with quite defiance.

the moon dares me to not believe in the magic.

in something magic.

tonights sky would fit in a summer night on the lake... 

tonights sky gives me back a piece of the past, and a glimpse to my future.

the moon, it follows me.

and i am thankful for that.

a thousand years

i knew you in another life.... i can feel it when you look in my eyes..

for many lives we've done this. this dance.

shown up for what the other needs to learn.

no one on earth has helped me grow as much as you

and if it wasn't for the gravity defining pull we have, i wouldn't love you this much.

all the hurt, all the hiding, none of it matters. because you are my angel. and i am yours.


this i know. and feel with everything inside me.

"i have died everyday waiting for you, darling don't be afraid, i have loved you for a thousand years. I'll love you for a thousand more. All along I believed I would find you, time has brought your heart to me and i have loved you for a thousand years, ill love you for a thousand more."

<3

Thankful?

no longer do i get that little flutter of excitement when i think of him.

its been replaced with disgust and the thought "get out of my state you bastard".

maybe this is progress?

I think im a masochist, that has possibly gone numb from the eyes down.

but, hell- at least im not paralyzed with pain anymore.

so im thankful.

depressed by my disenchantment of romance and the world, but thankful

shield

I miss you everyday. mostly everynight...right as i lay down to sleep, my heart auto pilots straight to you.

i wish some how i could replace my missing you with some form of hate. or even dislike.

that would make more sense, given all we've been through...

and yet the beauty in all this pain is that i will never be hurt like this again.

its sad really to think that no one, will ever capture my heart the same way you have....its not a possiblity.  and i suppose thats comforting also...in a off circumstantial way.

ive realized that everyone i've always imagined as  "hard core" or "bad ass"


 have really just been hurt bad before..

and now they are amune to it. this sick all consuming, destroying, beautifully capitvating, most wonderful love....

maybe there comes a point when we all pick up our shield...

pro voluptuousness

I am really disturbed by all the pro anorexia blogs i've been seeing lately. i hope that all these beautiful women can see how amazing they are, exactly as they are. naturally! so here are some facts about true beauty from my perspective...

-women are built with curves for a reason...
we are the only human kind that care bare children, give life.

-before the 1920s dresses weren't mass produced, so women didn't feel the need to "fit into" a certain designated ideal. 

-every person and woman has a different face...so why would we all have the same body type?

-marilyn monroe, a sex symbol of the ages, was a size 14 in today's sizes. a FOURTEEN.

-and ultimately, beauty comes from within. and is not measured by society's current standard, the media, or others opinions. confidence is the sexiest attribute...and self love is the most glowing one. <3

strength

too strong...

i'm not a push over easy girl... i wont settle.

especially when i know you are capable of so much more.

i push. i expect the best. for you and me, and i have faith in it. solid faith.

and thats what scares you.

im too strong right now... and im proud of it

filling the void

i think that everyone who has lived in this world has a natural hole inside...

something we feel we need to fill..... whether is be with belief, or love, or things

a crazy thought just came into focus for me...maybe we are meant to have a hole

maybe, part of the human experience is learning to be okay with ourselves, holey and all. <3

things im noticing

something it thought i saved for a certain person... apparently i was saving it for myself.

something precious to me...

a recent experience taught me that love makes most things more special...

until I'm in love again...and even after...its for me :)

1 year, two hours, and three minutes

its surreall to imagine that one year right now my family was changing as i knew it.

one year ago today we lost a precious life... Carter Bryce Eaton

as i look through on his pictures over and over again, i see a vision of sorts.

a little boy, about six years old...with his mothers kind brown eyes, brown hair, and his dad's smile.

i see him approach me and i cry. even in my so called vision.

and he says, "it ok aunt maci. im ok"

maybe im selfish but i want him here.

with us.
with me.
with my sister.
who i know was made to be a mother.

she has that mom chip...more than anyone i have ever met.

why her?

why us?

why him?

how is it fair that so many people have children that they don't treat right and yet my sister is excluded.

i remember last year. and that person that really touched my heart with their tenderness.

so many friends were selfless and caring and showed me their true selves during this awful time....but one person in particular showed me a compassion that no one else could reach...

because no one else knew me on that level.

thank you, you know who you are, and you've changed my life on some many levels...this level just happens to be the closet to my heart.

and my dear Carter,

Thank you for watching out for our family...i wish you were here with us, but i am thank ful to feel your presence around me at all times, i know ill feel your guidnace at pivotal points in my life...and i fully expect you to guide me tot he right decisions for me as they present themselves. 

tingly feeling

today a dear friend told me about a dream of his that i was in last night...

as he told me, some things popped out to me, like the sun. and my draw to it.

today im worried, i hope everything is ok. but my heart is beating fast and my skin is tingling.

oh Lord please keep my loved ones safe.

the sun...always rising and capturing me. in big times of my life

goodbye

i dont know what the future holds for me.

i know what my heart says, but so far that hasn't panned out to be truth yet.

so... im letting go.

years of feeling this way are over... i deserve so much better.

the constant lies, the making me look bad so he looked better, hiding me. all out of cowardice.

i deserve better.

all that stops now.

and yes, i still believe in the impossible...but as of now, im done.

thank you for all you've taught me...it changed my life.

goodbye...

Adele is stalking me

last 24 hours:

awesome people who are protective of me and defended me...
then my heart fell out of my body, got hit by a metaphorical truck
went on a great date
got dizzy...and almost sick...symbolism?
weird symbolic dream that creeps me out with it's congruency..

we'll see what happens next

playing pretend

seems like playing pretend when you're a little kid is the funnest possible venture....
now that i see adult versions of this, i'm not so sure....

"i close my eyes i look away
that’s just because i’m not okay.
but i hold on, i stay strong,
wondering if we still belong-
how long do i fantasize,
make believe that it’s still alive
imagine that i am good enough
and we can choose the ones we love....
every move we make,
seems like no one’s letting go,
and it’s such a shame,

cause if you feel the same,
how am i supposed to know?

will we ever say the words we’re feeling?
reach down underneath, and tear down all the walls
will we ever have a happy ending?
or will we forever only be pretending?"

how time flies

it seems like only yesterday you were saying all those things,

things i still believe you meant, but now where are you?

not in my life currently thats for sure

one of my best frineds and im not even invited.

guess that's telling...

but heaven help me i cant forget all those words. and moments. and the damn moon.

why does it have to be so big and bright right now?

faith is an interesting thing

smile, look pretty, be strong

my friend said it best about heart break...

"its as if you have a gaping fatal wound in my chest, but no one can see it.

you hold it together with your hands, they are covered in blood.... but you're expected to go out into the your day bleeding.  nothing to hold you together. no stitches or even band aids.

people walk by and smile, maybe even stop and ask how you are..... some people even try to help, but you know no one else can.

but hey you gotta keep living while you bleed!  smile! look pretty!  eat breakfast!  pay your bills! It's all so important!"


but, no, you know what, I'm done bleeding.  ill stitch my own heart up if i have to.

i took all of the memories down off my walls.  maybe that'll help the persisting dreams..... 

I am a strong woman. I will be fine. After all-

I'm still fearless <3

running through it

the half marathon i've signed up for is in october, the training is about to get way more intense.
now i just need a reliable ipod, better shoes, and open spaces.

if only i could out run my head, or my heart

moth

Everywhere.
I see signs everywhere. like slap in the face my stomach drops everytime.
maybe one day why i see all this will make sense..the dreams, the reminders, you.
because right now it sure confuses me, seeing the path that you're on...that im on.

some deep core part of me still believes. maybe im wrong...its been known to happen (once in third grade i think)
but this feeling is so true in my heart that i can't deny it.
it doesn't make it any easier to forget you when i see you everywhere.

i miss you, friend

I miss our friendship. i miss your loud fun loving personality.  I want to reach out, and then I'm reminded of everything.  and i don't know if i can let you in again...i can't be close to people who i don't trust anymore.  it makes me so sad because i do love you.  you are amazing in so many ways. 

it'd be funny if it wasn't so sad. not funny haha but ironic.  all it would take for me to forget (I've already forgiven. the moment everything happened) is an apology.  but you wont even admit you did anything wrong.  i want to let you back in, even a little bit at first, until i trust you again...

it is my pride.  my pride in my own heart for myself.  i am too protective of my heart now to be hurt like that again by friends.  dear friends.  but i still love you. so much. and miss you. and hope

if you only had the nerve..

Weep for yourself, my man,
You'll never be what is in your heart
Weep Little Lion Man,
You're not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rake yourself,
Take all the courage you have left
Wasted on fixing all the problems
That you made in your own head

Tremble for yourself, my man,
You know that you have seen this all before
Tremble Little Lion Man,
You'll never settle any of your scores
Your grace is wasted in your face,
Your boldness stands alone among the wreck
Now learn from your mother or else spend your days,
Biting your own neck

But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn't I, my dear?
Didn't I, my dear?

-Little Lion Man- Mumford and sons

saxaphone

Sitting in my beautiful backyard admiring all the green and time of it all,
and i hear a neighbor practiing the saxaphone, as if im in a i bedroom apt in nyc like carrie.
and then i hear another one call for her daughter maggie in the way only a mom can.
I get nature, new york, and family.
what a great place i live in

my journey

I am so thankful for everything I have learned recently...

"If you're brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you. "

Thank you to all my teachers, everyone from my past who has taught me valuable lessons.  You are my greatest source of knowledge and enlightenment.  Thank you for bringing me these gifts, and the chance to experience myself as Who I Am.  God has sent me nothing but angels. 

I see the light in you, and I'm thankful for the reminder of my own.

coward

It was a gift. An act of cowardice so complete, disqualifies a person from consideration.

it's sad to me when someone lives their life out of fear.  I wish you could see the true you. I wish you could see.

But I'm not waiting around until you open your eyes

Afraid of the Ocean

Something about me has always terrified him.  I think it's that he knows. 

We would be right, actually good for each other, and hold each other to a standard. a challenge. real true life fairy tale.  with goose bumps and tummy flips and so much fun all the time that i could go anywhere with him and have a blast.  our whole lives would be magic.

and the thought of that, all that possibility, and that someone actually genuinely believing in him, the the real him, not he one he pretends to be, is terrifying.

well i still do, i still do believe in him.  it breaks my heart to think that he's really doing this.......i hope you realize what could be.

this quote...... so familiar.
"The problem is, every time we had one of these amazing nights, I would wake up the next morning in a freaking panic. So why don’t we just spare each other a mundane life of crushing disappointment, and just do it with somebody else."


You know I have tried to change these feelings. I’ve done everything. Other guys, work, distractions..And they say that it gets easier with time, but it doesn’t. If anything, if more time passes, the more I miss him.

you inspired me. then we were supposed to be together...but you're afraid of the ocean

you inspire me, Synchronicity

Everywhere,
in my memory, in a picture that my friend finds, in music, in the sky.  you're everywhere. synchronicity all over...on those same lines- a movie i watched recently was very...you decide. here are some quotes, scattered with poems and my thoughts... here is my heart.

"You know a heads up woulda been nice. You know nothing nothing major, just, just a quick email...I mean years of a loving friendship and sporadic incredible chemistry scattered with nights so fun they explain the evolutionary purpose of talking, not to mention the time we’ve clocked together, listening to music, driving with no destination, but I guess this beautiful mess is ended without notification, probably better. "

"You think you have some kinda special gift to see what’s in my heart?"
         "No, I think we both do, for each other"
         "you inspire me..."
"you inspire me too"
        "We're supposed to be together"
"i know."


someone once told me that, one day, i'd understand, that love isn't always enough.

and everything in my heart and soul does not buy that.

I think its a really great excuse to live unhappily because you think you deserve shitty things.. or because greatness makes you sick. or because your afraid of the ocean.

"Forlorn! the very word is like a bell
To toll me back from thee to my sole self!"

just jump in my love, the water's fine, and i know you can swim.

it would be so much more, infinitely more, if you were here with me.

just woke up from you.

At first it was bad, i had to removeyou from my life, from my walls for some reason.

then flashes of other things, then I was fixing your hair. touching it, feeling exactly how it feels in my hands.

waking up from that is the harest thing. its almost like doing all of it over again.

eat, pray, love myself

This book is amazing.

I've always fancied myself a bit enlightened. thoughtful even. but this particular passage got me thinking about how i tend to use others to replace what i haven't been giving myself...

"So be lonely. Learn your way around the loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your won unfulfilled yearnings.'

I have always been content being by myself. enjoyed myself even. But how funny is it that I have always had some boy in my life. some unattainable challenge, broken man that i would try to fix. think about their sadness's above my own, their issues were of more importance. ever since i was a little girl..

well that's done now. I am my own best friend. my own lover. my own divine influence. when i get there, and only when i get there, could i really ever be a functioning person that happens to be in a relationship.

it's me time, and that's OK. good even.

of my dreams

I saw the man of my dreams in my dream yesterday.

I was holding my little girl in my arms, trying to soothe her

I was surrounded by chaos; he was in sadness. sadness to see me without him, to see me struggle with having him there.

Like he was ashamed.

His brother tried to help me comfort my child...

and he couldn't face it. I saw him run away, from facing me.

He's always running.